FUCK! There is nothing left to do, but watch as everything i hoped didn't happen, happen.

Dear God

       During this last month i been living my life without that spark in it anymore. I don't see my friends anymore or my family so its as if ive lost a reason to it. I'm still doing what im supposed to do and am focused but i know that there is more to life than work for your dreams. Its to enjoy it, to have fun, to live. I feel dead, but aware. My friends were my inspiration, my meaning. My family were my joy, my pride. I'm not with them anymore, but i can still feel them.

     I came here to the U.S.A for you, for them and for me. Living until now, enduring until now loneliness and not falling in darkness all thanks to them. With each passing day i feel one of them further and further. He is the most important one and yet he is the one who always falls out of my hands the easiest.

     I call him, feeling his loneliness, his pain with my sixth sense. His still there, barely but present. He answers clearing his throat from the heavy crying. The unexpected happens, he lies to my face. The conversation was five minuets, which he kept saying it was because he was sick. We hang up because he has to sleep, so i call his house knowing his mom will answer. I ask for him only to be neglected because hes been crying since he got home.

    In other words, my best friend who my whole family knew his name and who he was since i couldn't stop talking about him, lied to me.

     I don't cry, I don't scream. For some time i just stare at the ceiling, mind blank. He lied. To me. He was alone, hurt, in pain and needed me. Yet, he lied to me. I don't care why, but in that moment i realized the first lost in mu decision to come to the U.S.A: I was far away from my friends which were in Mexico and i couldn't do anything, nothing to anything. If they needed me, they learned no to, if we drifted apart, there was nothing to stop that from happening. What could i do being in another country? NOTHING!

   What can i do? Nothing. I don't cry. i don't scream. I simply think: FUCK! Followed by emptiness. Next thing i know there's nothing, im alone again. The old darkness im well too familiar with starts surging from nothing towards the light. The difference is, this time, i don't swim up, don't resist, don't fight. I welcome the darkness to my soul once again, slowly closing my eyes and turning around where the door to light is being shut by its fierceness.

   I open my eyes once again to the never ending blackness saying: WELCOME! LONELINESS!

                                                                          Gabriela The fool