The freedom of being

It's amazing how you think you should be stronger than this, mentally reprimand yourself by saying "I am stronger than this", when in reality you have already given up.
Time has flown by and with time comes new experiences, new wisdom and an unexpected change. These past two years have been an emotional roller-coaster, the lows of being homeless for a week and experiencing desperation, anxiety and fear to its highest peak. To the highs of becoming my brothers legal guardian and having him together with me. Unexpected kindness from strangers in the best of times I needed to be reminded "Life is good, I am not alone and don't give up".
I learned  or was reminded how easily I can be stripped of everything that once hold me together. How easily life can leave you bear naked and vulnerable. In these moments when you are full of fear, doubt and desperation it is so easy to lose sight of yourself. The one thing I always thought I should hold on to-my essence. This is not the case. When you are left vulnerable and stripped you forget what you had accomplished up to that point. You lose sight off what once was important values, strengths and a preserving will to continue.
And there is absolutely nothing we can do to prepare for these moments in life. These devastating moments that destroy us.
In this moment I gave up. I had given up before I had consciously decided to do so, and I felt shame and guilt. Was this who I truly was? In the face of deep trial after multiple failures and in the overwhelming need of some sort of comfort, was I someone who simply froze up and gave up? I was tired of fighting blindly, believing I was fighting to survive when in reality I was fighting to be who I thought I was, to prove to myself I was who I wanted to be.  And once I did give up instead of feeling a peace I felt a numbness. I became cold, uncaring and distant. Who knew giving up was harder than fighting, yet I didn't want to fight. Fight for what and what was the point?
I went a full year numb. Things I cared for no longer mattered to me, I buried myself in work, neglected school and family. I refused to write- something so precious to me before was neglected and avoided at all costs. I doubted everything and became a shell of a person I wanted to be.
More importantly, I was angry and disappointed at myself.
Later on would I realize giving up was a one time gift to myself.
Now looking back, I gave up because I was chasing dreams or goals that were no longer mine. My struggles left me bear and made me realize I shouldn't have to hold on to who I am- I simply be. People that I cared for but were obviously not good for me- I let go. I never had to let anyone or anything I cared for go, shouldn't I have to honor them by staying by their side despite anything? No.
I don't have an obligation to anyone and the only person I have to honor is myself. I felt disappointment for doubting myself, for not understanding why things that should matter didn't.

I was wrong. I was disappointed because I gave up. I was lost because I had no reason to hope. I was angry because I wanted so much more.

I realized, where I used to be content I had a deeper desire for something bigger, more meaningful and powerful. I used to want to be my best self but that was no longer enough. After losing it all I was empowered by learning even when stripped and left naked-I could always, always build again. Nothing steals anything from me because I built it. I built my life until now just as I build and grow who I am. I forgave myself for giving up because I realized there was no shame in doing so. The one I was before struggling had a blind hope. I gave up not out of weakness but out of a desire to find and define what I was really fighting for. The freedom of being.

I will not feel shame because that means I am inadequate, but that is far from the truth. When I gave up it was to find truth within me, not to simply blindly comply-even to myself. I thought I knew myself but each experience brings something of myself to light.

I fight to live for what I believe in. I dream of the endless possibilities that have yet to come. I am my best self-I don't become it. I have attained a new freedom, the one that allows me to be without my own judgement, without guilt and only acceptance. In a way giving up brought up a different battle to be won- a truth to be found.

I am free to simply be.

By Beautiful contradiction.