Love is dangerous, powerful and uncontrollable. It's what I seek most in life yet, passionately deny myself.
In matters of the heart I am unforgiving and relentless on myself. I yearn for security and someone to become the person I always come back to, to be the person who I belong with- home. I believe in a love where we stand as equals, powerful together yet strong when apart. A love that doesn't demand me to prove my worth and face trials. A simpler love, where there is a natural connection and recognize a feeling of home in the other. Something simpler which allows me to be myself without question and without judgement.
It builds within me and gives me courage yet, I am also full of fear as I'm left immobilized by my insecurities. I punish my mind with doubt and my heart with guilt as my desire to be vulnerable to the other only grows. Out of fear due to old scars I become cold and uncaring, only leaving him confused as to where the girl once full of life and laughter has gone. The only thing left for me to say: "I'm sorry".
An apology meant to be liberating has become a cross to bear. A cross carrying all my unspoken shame and insecurity, representing my broken and defeated self in the face of my monster. The monster who I foolishly once trusted, the same one I constantly fall victim too.
I despise the word victim yet, there is no other word that best explains why there are times I can't sleep at night. Nights I relive that exact moment and experience the overwhelming helplessness, the weakness and fear. Days where I remember his invisible touch on my skin and feel so dirty I cant stand it.
An apology that I am scarred and as much as I wish it doesn't affect me, that I am strong enough to free myself of his ugly grasp, I am not. The truth that I am unable to trust and unwilling to allow myself to be loved due to an internal struggle caused by one man's selfishness. A battle I wish to win each time I fall in love, and one I have continued to lose.
I do not give up, there will come a day where I win and am freed from his grasp. On those hard nights I fight back by listening to rain fall in order to comfort myself. On those specific days I take hot showers in order to erase his touch from my skin. I fight back, I may have been a victim but I will never be one again. Do not be mistaken I do not need a hero, nor am I tragic.
I may have a cross to bear but there is no great warrior who didn't have one. Mark my words, I was broken once but I will always rebuild.
This is my unveiling, I was broken but I will rise a warrior.
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