The people i love the most are those who hurt me far worse by their constant silence. Now im paralized of fear to even speak to what i believe are deaf ears.
I harbor a silent anger towords this person, who i havent seen in a long time. A anger so great is overwhelms me with mixed emotions angering myself and finally blaming myself for i know i have hurt this person also as much as he has hurt me.
I want to speak to him so we can once again be close as we once were, but im rendered motionless by my fear, anger, pain and lastly love towords him.
It funny how im known for my strength but in his face i know only the feeling of nerves and a fear of disapointment and hurt if he pushes me away.
This person is not my lover or a family member but he was or i still hope he is, my best freind. Our freindship was strong where he helped me and i helped him. We were inseperable but it seems nothing else could seperate us but our constant fear of each other thanks to distance and time. Obstacules we had decided we would conquer.
Im often told to let him go in my heart. Yet im too weak to do this, not only to him but anyone who touches my heart, even if they were the reason i had to fix it. I have a strong belief or more like philosophy that we as humans truly do not know how to love yet, because even in our diferences we would accept them and wouldnt hurt each other. Untill them, we are imperfect and make mistakes and everyone desearves the right to apologize and ask for forgivness.
If someone who hurt me yesterday but came back in my life today and apologized, i would receive them in my life with my arms open and hold not wicked feelings towords them. This is one of my life goals, because i know its not easy to seek forgivness just as its hard to forgive someone. I know if i was in the other persons shoes seeking redemption, i would want mine accepted as any other.
Simply put i dont think i hold the right to hold a grudge against someone since i myself have hurt others and made mistakes. Im also imperfect so i must hold a grudge against myself before holding others as well. Just as i must forgive myself before forgiving others. Two different things, only they are similar on the one you choice is how you will live your live. Giving forgivness and asking for it is liberating while the opposite chains yourself. When i love liberty so much, why would i chain myself? I feel sorrow for those who chain themselves but there is no one who will be their savior, not even God.
God gave us free will, and if we choose to be chained, we will remain chained. If we choose to be free, we will be free. God is no "savior", he is our father, and as any good father he smiles best when we "save" ourselves. We only receive his help of noticing we have this power to use: Choice.
So now, im chained. I have chained myself just as my friend has chained himself also. As much as i want to seek forgivness, i have to forgive myself first but simply im scared.
I helplessly imagine the worse outcome and each time i have the courage to talk to him, im always hurt by his brif responses or his lack of show of interest. I wonder, Am i the only one who seeks me friend?. He is probably fine on his own, just as i have kept on moving forword but i confess my heart hasnt and i wont untill there is a proper end to the relationship at least because this is pure agony. The feeling of abandonment and im sure he is feeling it as well.
This my freinds is a fool. Im a fool and i know it, but i couldnt be anything more than a fool for if i was something else, i wouldnt be me. And i believe that is the greatest sin of all. Not being yourself.
Gabriela Barrera the fool
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