Decisions, decisions. Not enough time and yet a lot of events call for your attention. Life gets busy as you get older, often repeated throughout society but you only understand it until you reach this critical moment yourself. I'm here.
When was it that I became an "adult" and no longer had to pretend to be one? I can tell you the exact moment it happened, only sometimes it would have been easier if I had the opportunity to slowly transition into this stage. However life had something else stored in for me (as it always does) and I was forced to make this change from one moment to the next (Literally one day to another). Yesterday was my first complete week with new adjustments or better worded-circumstances. It was only Wednesday that I graduated from High School and I was forced to already be enrolled in college before I even graduated (took place Monday). Yesterday I was homeless but now I have a home and don't need to move out until the end of summer (hopefully I have a job by then) and move in a studio with roommate. See what I mean? Decisions, decisions and ultimately with this comes desperation,
When my world took an 250 degree turn and decided to start walking backwards while doing jumping jacks and walking a dog at the same time- I got scared, became desperate and shut down. Its those moments in life where you know everything will turn out alright because you are starting from zero, you have nothing to lose (except be homeless). Its also those moments that life comes to shove in your face exactly where you stand. From the two faced people you once believed were loyal to you to discover they are only interested in themselves, from all your back up plans being intact to suddenly having nothing to fall back on. If life has the right to change everything then I have the right to freak out, breathe and face it head on. "Life never goes the way we plan it", such an understatement.
Despite my anger, I know it's not directed to anyone, not even myself. Yet all sort of emotions came together this week that made me feel I was walking on uneven ground trying to reach the light-while blindfolded. So lets review, by this point I'm scared, desperate and don't know who to trust or what versions of who's story to listen to, and so the next step-Shutting down.
Shutting down moments are rare but essential. I am strong and apparently learning to be independent but I allow myself to fall and cower away from reality. I take these times as breathers and reassessment of myself, of where I stand and where others stand with me. Shutting down is not pleasant however, it's not your average analyzing or quiet time thinking. It looks more like me crying on the floor, cramped into a corner holding onto my legs for dear life-Desperation and fear. Don't panic however because I don't know what this is yet either (haven't experienced it), I like to see these moments of me simply letting go of everything, control over myself-my thoughts, feelings, circumstances, tears and at times laughs. Despite how horrible it may sound (and how messy I end up after) I feel so light hearted. As if I was suddenly transparent or walking on clouds-and I knew I did what was necessary-I let go.
I let myself drown. This is me adapting from resisting change, not knowing what to expect from it since it's unknown, trying to fight the inevitable and finally letting myself be taken-to find the answer I need.
I secretly like these moments-I always discover something new about myself in them, despite the havoc around me.
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