Just simple breathing

Its funny how we can easily be surronded by loved ones, be supported and never be left alone as to remember we aren't alone. And yet somehow, for some reason we end up so lonely. 

How controversial when someone wants to protect you yet, makes sure not to smother you but lose sight of you? Its as if they are so occupied in saving you that they leave us alone. Im lonely. 

Im lonely yet im not alone, im not alone by a long shot. Surronded by loved ones thats are simply amazing. Friends, family that I can turn to and know will understand me. Yet, I know this but it's as if "understanding" is not what I need. "Listening" pour my feelings and frustrations out isn't enough anymore. 

It's where I want to be with someone not to talk with but rather to live with. This probably won't make sense-but I want to feel alive with someone. 

At night I can't sleep as I'm too restless . I desperately turn to my phone and think who to text, who to call but then I think-what am I going to say? If i say the truth they will want to make me talk, explain how i "feel" but I swear Ill go crazy so thats not an option. If i lie it will fill me of guilt as I'll probably keep thinking-they desearve to know why Im up and why im keeping them up. Then I considered writing it down, I wrote 10 different rough drafts within an hour. Never happened to me before, writing to me is like breathing so when I saw it wasn't the answer I knew "confronting" my feelings wasn't the answer. My need isn't being heard, understood or comforted. I can only describe it as being alive. The rush of living in the moment perhaps? 

I enjoy this though-this loneliness is different, depressing at moments but it means I need different type of people in my life now. It's exciting-a new stage. 

To go to sleep I engulf myself in music. Im so moved and connected I travel to a different dimension. I feel the rush of the emotions behind the lyrics and the need in the rhythm. Its here when I'm on the rollercoaster of senses that I find peace.My body reacting to the music as I sweat to peaks of euphoria and im drunk in the daze of ecstacy do I notice the sweet tingles running through my body like electricity. Almost as a turn on but also beyond the limits of an orgasm that climbs to its peak. Whereas this experience is constant overwhelming of evey sense aside physical as you live love, pain, betrayal, need, satisfaction, death and life all at once.  After coming down from the high left panting, blood thumping and skin sizzling that Im so alive.

If only for those moments, i am completely living that moment with every sense in my body. No distractions, no thought necessary just-raw.  It shakes me to the core. 

I was able to write while listening to music, the very product you are now reading within ten minutes. No rough drafts, no second thoughts and no holding back. 

Just simple breathing. So why do I feel so breatheless? 

Gabriela Barrera