Proud to be out of my legue

When feeling out of your league, when you feel you haven't lived enough to meet certain requiremnets in certain events, you feel like a child. A child who wants to do more than they are able to handle. These moments are embarasing, frustrating and remind us no matter how we mature-at the end of the day we are still very much inmature. 

I can't help but feel proud of myself as I talk with adults and am able to discuss at their level, if at least for a moment. Once I beleived age was nothing but a number and the number that truly mattered was expereince. As a young adult can have more experience than someone their own age or even older, and be more mature and ready for the world. While I still believe this is true and possible, it is far from reality. 

I can have deep, interesting discussions with others older than me but in the end there is always a point where I cant carry on-where I am out of my league. These are the moments I feel more as a child than when I was one. It almost feels belittling. 

When engaging with those older than you, you have to be aware of what you are capable of and how far you can go with your interaction. It hurts me when they ask something of me that I deem impossible at the moment of myself. Perhaps I should be happy they believe I am ready for such, but what if I am not ready to take that risk? The risk of not delivering what they believe I am capable of but, what I already deemed impossible for me at the moment? 

Limiting myself to not taking the risk may seem a cowardly act but I think it more cowardly to take all risks simply to state "i have nothing to lose, so I lived". Do you truly live by taking risks at every turn, at every oportunity? Everyone has something to lose, and if they dont see what it is, they will lose it all in their risk taking and regret it later.  

A profound risk taker is very inmature because they seek experience to gain wisdom. I see it only as an excuse to not confront themselves. When you have nothing to lose, it means you are willing to never met yourself for the rush (high) of a risk. I know myself through and through, and surely have more to discover but the risks I have taken have been few, in a larger scale where I exchnaged all I had for all I wanted and needed. I lost nothing and gained everything. This is a true "risk". Where you are aware of what is at "stake" and of what you may gain. What makes someone mature however, is knowing what "risks" are beneficial to take and which are not, beneficial to who you ARE and not who you want to PRESENT yourself as. 

I learned i dont have to push myself to be at someone elses league, so when I dont meet their standard-its ok. That standard was placed by them and for them, no need to grade myself on their scale. If im not ready for something, thats alright because I will be one day. I can however apologize to those who want something from me I am not yet ready to deliver or handle. I have much to live, much to learn and I live for myself and no one else, even when loyal to those precious around me. 

So, what makes you belong to yourself, even when devoted to others? 

Gabriela