I remember, I challenge, i'll learn

Looking back, I knew exactly what I wanted. I had my dream mapped out in front of me although at the time I had no idea how I was going to get there. I only knew God would take care of how I got there, all I had to do was dream and be willing to go through what he had in mind to reach them.

I remember looking out the window and seeing clearly my dreams, being in the USA again, going to a great University, getting a job and traveling the world. I knew it was going to be hard, I knew but never understood until I experienced life. Yet I was so hungry to prove no one can stop me, that I was a force to be reckoned with, and that I was more than what my father thought I was. I was so eager to leave, to be free. What I hadn’t counted on was having to learn how to be free.

  Once I left my first house, my parents embrace, I eagerly stepped onto the plane confronting the unknown.  An unknown that I accepted with grace, because I would be able to challenge it on my terms, really discover what I was made of. I didn’t notice it then, but I was brave to walk in the unknown with the confidence I held, the confidence I had yet to discover.

I always thought I was a coward. Believing I was running away from my parents demeaning yet loving nature. From the rotten Mexico who stole my childhood by bullying only to be saved each afternoon watching the sun set. I felt weak but wanted to be strong, I thought by leaving all these “negative” things behind I would be able to be my true self, I would be free. I was fooling myself. I wanted to be free and I thought my circumstances are what chained me down but in reality, I chained myself down.

Being free is not only a state of mind, but it is also physical as it is emotional. That is the difference between liberty and happiness. While being in the USA was my first sign of rebellion and I was happy, I was not free.  I had to confront every aspect of myself and rediscover who I was. I blamed on having those aspects on my parents, in Mexico and just my previous life in general. It never crossed my mind, I wasn’t free because of me. In my special case, I always let myself be pushed around and never voiced my thoughts. I remember feeling like a burden to others, being insecure and always blaming others for how they treated me. I let them treat me the way they did, I gave them permission to have power over me. Probably because I was scared to be responsible for myself, scarred to discover how strong I really was. It is always easier to accept our weaknesses than to acknowledge our strengths. We always make ourselves smaller to comfort ourselves, and mostly others.

Liberty is not only about fighting others for it, but the need to confront yourself for it as well. It is fighting our greatest fears, challenging what we set for granted in ourselves, and most importantly accepting and forgiving our faults.

I have more freedom than before, but I am still chained down in different aspects In my life, aspects that represent me. I never knew life was a reflection of the inner turmoil within ourselves.

Gabriela