Plea for help

I'm not living, im a scarred shitless 22 year old who has no idea what the fuck they are doing. Even that is a bad joke. I'm constantly overrun with overthinking, hopeless dreams, fears, self-doubt and a lack of self-love. I may have no idea how to love myself, but god damn do I know how to make myself suffer from loving someone who cannot possibly love me back.
I am a mess.
I have this beautiful ability to self destruct which, by the way, is out of this world and should not be underestimated. There are times I am level headed and know exactly what to do to get what I want. You know, that thing we call being an adult. There are literal moments of clarity where we prioritize, make sound decisions, make a plan and feel like everything will be ok because we know exactly what to do now. Only problem is a few moments later I see my ex falling in love with someone else who isn't me and my world comes crumbling down. Making me feel like a four year old kid crying to mom over spilled milk hoping, begging they will make the world right and a better place again. Only, Im not four years old, he didn't chose me and I still have bills to pay while figuring out how the fuck to love myself.
I have no idea what it even means to love myself. Do i give myself a star each time I pay a bill on time? Or maybe its me being a strong, independent women who needs no man?
I'm going to need more wine.
Im so incredibly lost. Doesn't it always come down to this question: Should I stay or should I leave?
I somehow wish there was this phone that would call God directly when we needed him. I need you, so desperately to help me because I cant go on like this. I wish instead of just praying without getting an answer I could somehow have a conversation with you, where you actually respond back!

"God, This is your daughter crying out for help. I dont know what to do but I do know I cant go on like this. Im so tired of asking that question, that somehow keeps coming back to me over and over. Please intervene, please make yourself known to me because I am so desperate, so tired, so depressed and lonely. I cant do this without you. This is a really desperate message, I know but its sincere. Could you please tell me what to do?Please. Help me. Please. "

To everyone who feels lost, you are definitively not alone.

Gabriela B