Dear God
I finally arrived to the U.S.A and installed myself with my uncles and cousins. I have so much to tell you because so much has happened although at the same time i feel i don't need to because i feel your right by my side. Even so, i enjoy the fact I'm writing to you, like it brings me closer to myself who just wants to scream and run away and forget about everything. I feel as if, when i talk to you the me who wants to cry, silently cries my heart away. Thank you for listening to me.
As you know God, on the 17 of July, I cam from Mexico by myself to the U.S.A to finish high school and start looking for universities or collages to go to. I'm a junior who comes with straight As and high expectations. I left my parents and brother at the age of 16 with my studies as a reason, but sincerely it was to find myself. Last semester they asked me what was my dream: and i answered anything easy, but in my heart the only thing i could think about was making my dad say " IM PROUD OF YOU". I felt no matter what i do i will never hear those words out of his mouth. So when i noticed i was living for him, i wondered "whats my dream? What do i want? What makes ME happy? I mean, will i really be happy at the end knowing i lived my whole life to please my father? More i thought about it, i was displeased but that would make my parents happy. So then i asked myself "Will my parents really be happy knowing i lived MY life for THEM?" I honestly think they'd be disappointed. All there hard work as parents, human beings and sons would be worth nothing if i kept going. So i decided not to live for them but for me. That way, i wouldn't disappoint myself anymore but also my parents. I believe following my heart and being myself would make them prouder than being what they want.
In the end as soon as i stopped living for my dad i started living for my mom. I then came to the conclusion as long i lived with my parents i would want to make them proud of me but by doing it the wrong way. So, i decided to move away to find out what is my dream, who I am and what makes ME happy. Although that is one of the main reasons, i also want to be someone in life. Not to have to depend on men for anything i want. I want to have a job that provides me enough to sustain myself and my family, and whatever i work in, i want to be the best at it.
I also want to provide my mom papers to be a citizen american because my mother grew up without the opportunity of freedom, meaning anything shes wanted to do, she hasn't been able to do it, and almost everything she has done was forced on her by someone else. I want my mom happy, and her happiness is freedom. If she wants to be here in the U.S.A I will also provide her papers.
God,i have so many things to do and so many expectations to meet the pressure is almost consuming me. I'm not afraid of mistakes but i am afraid of failure. Although recently i learned i can never fail myself or my parents because even if i don't get perfect grades, my parents will still be proud of me because I fought for something I believed in, i made my first decision over MY life. Most importantly i cant fail myself because even if i have to walk away, i will walk away proud because i know i did my best, fighting hard for me. Witch would be the first in my life. All i have to do, is to make sure my parents suffering from separation was worth it, by not regretting anything because the one who was most affected by my life changing decision were my parents.
The only reason i cry and scream, is because im terrified. Sometimes im happy but others i just want to be alone and secretly cry. Why? Maybe because im beginning to miss my family, but the moment i remember my angels are with me and your by my side, my loneliness disappears and i calm down. I love you God and i am so thankful and blessed for everything.
I love you
GABRIELA
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