Contradicting feelings of loneliness

 Dear God

           Its harder each time, i feel i keep putting up a mask with the family im staying with. I feel so bad because i feel im lying to them and i don't want that. I don't like the fact im lying to them when they've been nothing but nice to me. First of all, they are my family and they are doing a sacrifice to have me here and im repaying them by putting a front? I just cant stop to think how pathetic. Even so, i cant say im surprised. I know myself better than anyone and how scared i am for the chances of them disliking them. Of course i should just be myself, but that's the hard part. I don't know who i really am.
         I was talking with my aunt Alex the other day on how i was afraid to fail and make mistakes was just a sigh of me being reprehended by my father. He always has control of our lives but i sincerely don't think its because hes a bad person, but because he loves us and wants the best for us he wants us to live it his way since its perfect. Only life doesn't work that way. God, yes maybe i am who i was till now because of my dad but i am also standing where i am because of him. I cant expect for my dad to be perfect either, and of course my parents have mistakes and of course it will effect us but only i decide for how long it will effect me.
         Since i never was myself with freedom and when i was, i was rejected by my father to protect me in his way, i don't know how to be myself with confidence. Lately because of this i cant speak my mind, i feel far away from the family and i get lonely. God loneliness is my biggest weakness, and even though i know your here and my angels by my side, i shamefully get lonely.
         Though the power of this letter is powerful, because even if it seems im just complaining, im very thankful because i know i will learn a lot of knowledge and grow once again. I am truly thankful for you just being by my side and listening. This is one of the blessings i treasure a lot. You know God, i don't feel lonely anymore because i can feel you carefully putting attention to me and my feelings even though im just complaining. I am really pathetic, because the moment im spoiled i feel so bad and guilty.
       God i will definitely be useful to you one day, and when that day comes ill definitely make you proud of me and say: "You did good". I will definitely be responsible for everything you bless me with. God i cant promise i will turn out to be a perfect human but i will definitely be the best me! At the beginning i wanted to be the perfect human there can be, but i noticed aiming for something that didn't exist was a waste of time.  Everyone has their purpose in life, before, during and after it. We all have our purposes because only US can do it. We were assigned our place because it was MADE FOR US to fit there. God i will do and accomplish my purpose so i can then follow my heart by following your will. I believe i have to be loyal to my heart above all things because if i don't i feel as i betray you, so i follow you with no doubt in my heart. I will learn how to love correctly and how to be myself so please watch over me.

                                                                                      Thank you and I love you God
                                                                                                     Gabriela